Mezze Platter: 9. Baba Ganoush

You will need…

to bin that shit and remember that sometimes we have to suffer stuff that doesn’t have cream or meat or sugar or chocolate in it. This is one of those weird veggie dishes that will make you feel good and virtuous long AFTER eating it but won’t do much for you while you prepare it. Under these circumstances probably fair and only right to open a bottle of something chilled and dry to reduce the risk of gagging

3 aubergines

3 garlic cloves, crushed with a teaspoon of salt

1 lemon, juice only

2 tspns of tahini

3 tspns olive oil

black pepper, to taste

chopped flat leaf parsley to garnish

Method

Prick the aubergines with a fork. Grill until the skin is charred and blacked and the flesh feels soft when you press it (this will take approximately 15-20 minutes, turning halfway through cooking)

Crush the garlic with the lemon juice, tahini, olive oil and pepper in a bowl

Cut the aubergines in half and scoop out the flesh. Mix the soft flesh with the remaining ingredients

Place in a serving dish and finish with a drizzle of olive oil and sprinkle the parsley over the top

NB: this is really – seriously – delicious!

Mezze Platter: 8. Neptune’s Armpits

You will need…

some serious fucking attitude, together with a death wish and a determination to try anything in this life at least once. This includes Blue Nun wine, a classic of the 80’s, so you might as well open a bottle of that shit now (if you’re really brave try drinking it at room temperature – badass!)

4 x (soft) hard boiled eggs

1 medium red pepper

a jar of salted anchovies

a good pinch of paprika

a sprig of coriander to garnish

Method

Boil the eggs for four to five minutes. Remove from the pan and let them cook for a further two minutes as their shells cool

Roast the pepper in a pre-heated oven until the skin is turning black. Remove, allow to cool, then remove seeds and cut into thin strips

Remove the shells from the eggs, cut into quarters (the yokes should be slightly runny still/sticky) and place in a small serving dish

Drain the anchovies then layer them, whole, across the egg quarters. Add the strips of pepper and the pinch of paprika

Garnish with the coriander

Serve, stand back and watch the horror on your guests’ faces. Wonder who will be the first to lick Neptune’s armpit…

Mezze Platter: 7. Calamari

You will need…

to get some sophistication, lady. Enough to start drinking out of glasses and stop drinking out of cans and then

vegetable oil, for deep frying

plain flour

a good pinch of cayenne pepper

a good pinch of smoked parika

pinch of salt

lots of squid cut into rings and tentacle bits

2 eggs

For the mayonnaise

mayonnaise

1 garlic clove, crushed

squirt of lemon juice

Method

For the mayonnaise, mix all the ingredients together and set aside

For the calamari, place enough oil in a wok, large saucepan or deep-fat fryer to come halfway up the pan. Place over a medium heat

Mix the flour, cayenne, paprika and salt in a bowl. Drop in the squid rings and bits and stir until coated evenly

Drop a little bit of bread into the oil to check it is hot enough. If it sizzles and fries to golden brown in a minute you’ve got that oil just right (if not, you’re fucked)

Dip the floured squid into the beaten egg and then carefully drop into the hot oil. Fry for 2-3 minutes until golden. Remove from the oil and briefly drain on kitchen paper before serving with the garlic and lemon mayonnaise

Mezze Platter: 6. Roasted Red Pepper Hummus

You will need…

a loving family with a healthy respect for alcohol and a cupboard full of hangover remedies. You might like to have a drink on the go at the same time

a tin of chickpeas

half a small pot of natural yoghurt (full fat for chrissake! What is this –  Lent?)

a good big dollop of tahini

a squirt of lemon juice

a pinch of paprika

a pinch of cumin

a pinch of dried chilli flakes

a pinch of sea salt

a pinch of ground black pepper

a whole red pepper (not an enormous one)

Method

Roast the pepper in a pre-heated oven for about 10 minutes until the pepper is beginning to blacken in patches. Once cooked leave the pepper to cool for  few minutes

Meanwhile, throw everything else into a blender/nutribullet

When the pepper is cool enough to handle, half it, de-seed, then chop into small pieces. Throw the pieces into the blender/nutribullet with everything else.

Whish it all up for a few seconds. Test it and adjust flavourings to taste (this usually entails a bit of extra lemon juice or salt)

Nb: it’s always useful to have a second can of chick peas standing by just in case your loving family turn up and want feeding or, more likely, your mix is a little runny and you need to bulk it up a bit

 

Mezze Platter: 5. Cumin Roast Carrots

You will need…

to stop whatever it is you’re doing here, find a rabbit, follow it to its burrow and steal its whole supply of baby carrots. Take these back to your kitchen, together with a bottle of chilled Australian Chardonnay (or ‘Roopiss’ as it’s known colloquially)

a bag of Chantenay carrots, or other small carrots

glug of olive oil

2 garlic cloves, unpeeled

1 sprig rosemary

1 tsp cumin seeds

salt and freshly ground black pepper

chopped fresh chives to garnish

Method

Preheat the oven to 200C/400F/Gas 6.

Place the carrots onto a baking sheet, add the garlic cloves, rosemary and cumin seeds and season generously with salt and freshly ground black pepper. Mix together

Place in the oven and roast for 10-15 minutes, or until the carrots are tender and golden-brown

To serve, transfer the carrots to a serving bowl and garnish with a nob of butter and the chopped chives

NB: these are never going to set the culinary world alight but, apparently, we need vegetables in our diet as well as meat, so these will do as well as anything

 

Mezze Platter: 4. The Devil’s Balls

You will need…

a good friend to post bail for you and a jeroboam or two of something/anything ice cold and kind to your tongue (if this is not available, fill your bath with cold water and provide straws to all your dinner guests)

a box of pitted dates (the sticky ones you only see at Christmas)

a packet of smoked, streaky bacon (avoid Danish, they’re so passive aggressive)

4 x bird’s eye chillies (don’t you dare remove the seeds)

1/2 tspn smoked paprika

a good squirt of tomato puree

2 cloves of garlic, lightly crushed, skins on

black pepper

a small glug of oil/olive oil

a sprig of fresh coriander

Method:

Heat a frying pan over a high flame/plate until it’s lightly smoking. Add the olive oil and turn the heat down a little. Then add the garlic and chillies.

When the chillies start to blacken (slightly), add the bacon, as whole rashers, the paprika and black pepper. As the bacon starts to brown and then crisp, add the dates and the tomato puree.

Remove the garlic cloves and, when the mix is sticky and the bacon crispy, use a wooden spatula and fork to shred the rashers in the pan.

If you and your guests are pussies, remove the chillies and discard, before placing the mix into a bowl and garnishing with the coriander.

If you’re not pussies…think of the drinking games you could invent with those chillies. What fun!

 

 

Mezze Platter: 3. Chicken Kebabs

You will need…

to get out of the pub and into the kitchen. Take your friends with you by all means, sit them round the table and open a bottle of something dry, white and exciting

2 chicken breasts

small pot of natural yoghurt

1 tsp ground cumin

1 tsp ground coriander

1 tsp fenugreek seeds

1 tsp ground ginger

1 tsp onion powder

½ tsp salt

½ tsp turmeric

¼ tsp chilli powder

For the marinade, mix all the ingredients together

Slice each chicken breast into five strips, and add them to the marinade. Stir to combine, and leave to marinate for at least an hour (longer if possible)

Remove from the fridge and thread the chicken strips onto wooden skewers (if you haven’t got skewers or can’t be arsed to buy them, don’t worry. It’s the chicken you want to eat, just cook it)

Heat a large frying pan until hot, then add the chicken skewers

Cook for three minutes on each side until browned and cooked through

Mezze Platter: 2. Maneesh

You will need…

to put the marine down, roll up your sleeves and prepare to get covered in flour. This can be great fun if you’re drinking a bottle of fine New Zealand Sauvignon Blanc at the same time. Not so much fun with lemon squash or water

500g/1lb 2oz strong white flour (bread flour), plus extra for dusting

big pinch of salt

25g/1oz caster sugar

10g/¼oz instant yeast

20ml/4 tsp olive oil, plus extra for kneading

360ml/12fl oz tepid water

For the topping

sesame seeds

dried thyme

dried marjoram

a little olive oil

Method:

Mix together the flour, salt, sugar and yeast. Add the olive oil and 3/4 of the water. Using your fingers, mix the ingredients together. Gradually add the remaining water until all the flour has come away from the sides of the bowl and you have a soft dough (you may not need all the water; the dough should be soft and not sticky)

Pour a little oil onto a large bread board. Place the dough on top and knead for 5-10 minutes. The dough will be wet in the beginning but will form a smooth dough once kneaded

Once a smooth dough is achieved, place into a clean oiled bowl, cover and leave to double in size

Important: probably best left overnight but allow a good 4-6 hours if you’re intending to bake it on the same day

Line three baking trays with parchment/grease proof paper

Tip the dough onto an oiled bread board. Knock the dough back by folding it on itself, repeating this until all the air is knocked out and the dough is smooth (ie: roll it/flatten it, fold it, roll it, fold it for a bit until it stops ‘sighing’). Split the dough into three and roll into large rectangles/circles

Place onto the lined baking trays and cover each tray with a carrier bag. Leave to rest for 20 minutes

Mix the topping ingredients with a little olive oil until you have a thick paste. Preheat the oven to 230C/450F/Gas 8

Just before baking, brush the surface of the breads with olive oil. Spread the topping over each of the breads and bake for approximately 15 minutes

Have to say, this bread is fucking lush!

Mezze Platter: 1. Lamb Patties

You will need…

to recover from last night’s hangover with a bottle of chilled Prosecco and half a dozen hard boiled eggs

juice of one lemon

lamb mince

olive oil

fresh coriander leaves (washed and chopped)

4 cloves garlic (crushed)

4 green chillies chopped

a pinch of coriander powder

a big pinch of cumin powder

black pepper

a pinch of turmeric powder

a big pinch of garam masala

grated ginger

salt

Method:

Mix half the lemon juice and the lamb mince in a bowl.

Blend the oil, garlic, ginger, chillies, crushed peppercorns, cumin, coriander powder, remaining lemon juice, turmeric powder and salt in a food processor to a paste.

Stir the paste and coriander into the mince. Then shape the mixture into small patties.

Brush each patty with a little oil and grill under a medium heat or on a barbecue for 4-5 minutes on each side, or until cooked through

Serve with flatbread (see my tempting recipe for Maneesh) and a yoghurt and mint dip (fresh mint leaves finely chopped and blended into natural yoghurt)

Chicken Tikka Masala

You will need…
An open bottle of chilled Pinto Grigio and a glass (take as required)
1 tblspn olive oil or a wedge of butter
Some diced chicken
1 medium onion (chopped roughly)
2/3 cloves garlic (crushed and chopped)
1 fresh green chilli (chopped)
4 tblspns natural yoghurt
4 tspns Tandoori curry powder
2 tspns Tikka curry powder
1 tspn Turmeric
½ tspn Cayenne pepper
1 chicken stock cube
A big squirt of tomato puree
Salt & pepper (to taste)
1 boil-in-the-bag rice (long grain, basmati watevva)
Papadoms (2 per person + two extra for the chef!)

Method:
Open the wine, open the papadoms and have a slurp and a nibble before you start
Put the Tandoori, Tikka, Turmeric and Cayenne into a bowl – admire the earthy colours!
Add the yoghurt, salt and pepper, stock cube (crumbed), chilli and garlic and mix
Add the chicken to the mix, coat it thoroughly, and put into the fridge to marinade for an hour +
Heat a pan on the hob, when it’s hot, add the oil/butter – when it’s hot/melted, add the onion and cook until soft and glazed (yellow not brown)
At the same time put the rice on to boil (normally 18/20 mins) – in no circumstance cook the chicken for longer than the rice or it will get dry and tough
Add the yoghurt and chicken mix to the onions and stir and turn continually until the chicken is sealed on all sides (a nice white colour – not pink)
After ten minutes or so, add the tomato puree and stir/mix well
Turn down the heat and simmer
When the rice is cooked, drain and serve
Have another drink…enjoy!